Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:12
In recent speaking engagements, I had the opportunity to interact with many readers of Bulletproof Marriage: a 90-Day Devotional. It is truly a blessing hearing how so many marriages are being positively impacted by this work and for that I am thankful. However, one thing I have learned, through various research, discussions, and interviews, is the real need for all of us to learn our pace, our rhythm, or as my friend Marcus Luttrell says, “Find your battle rhythm.”
When we talk about the life of a law enforcement officer and their marriages, I think we would all agree there are few rhythms other than constant chaos, missed dinners, missed holidays, and a lot of other missed family times. No whining here, just stating the facts. But I do believe in the midst of the chronic chaos, we can find our battle rhythms.
Here’s the thing; if we improve our marriage relationships, it has been proven, we improve our overall well-being as individuals. That means, if we have healthier marriages, we can have healthier law enforcemetn officers.
There are a few different studies regarding the divorce rate among first responders and military marriages. While the numbers and research vary, there is no doubt divorce is a major issue in America, but in those marriages where one or both spouses are members of the military or first responders, the challenges are often overlooked and present serious problems. For some, it is the long hours and feeling like a single parent, for others it is substance abuse, unfaithfulness, and the inability or refusal to communicate with each other. Whatever the reason, the devastation caused by divorce in families across America is clear as we accept it as part of the societal norm. But how can you prepare yourself and fortify your marriage, building not only a strong relationship, but one resilient in the face of adversity?
With any service-oriented profession (military and first responder) it begins and ends with mindset. You are each other’s partner, the ultimate backup officer, and there shouldn’t be anyone else you depend on more than your spouse. I said it. You shouldn’t depend on anyone else more than your spouse, but that also means you should be delivering more to your spouse than anyone else while meeting their needs. Think about how those three men felt in the fire in the third chapter of Daniel. God was with them, but that didn’t stop the heat from rising.
A few tips for today to strengthen your marriage and encourage both you and your spouse:
- Don’t shutdown when conflict arises: Communicate clearly. Stay on point. Don’t dig up the past. Remember the rule of selfless love and let it be your driving force, the rudder if you will, in all your communications in marriage.
- Get to know each other’s strengths: One of the most valuable lessons I have learned is to invest in your strengths and do not place an emphasis on your weaknesses. If you know you are the stronger communicator, take the lead. If you know you have a dominant personality, be intentional with the tone of your words, and do not allow your emotions to dictate the words you say.
- Develop healthy habits of communication. This requires discipline and commitment. Many of the issues of marriage are not new, and they are not complicated. Too often, we know what to do, but we fail to execute on what we know. It is time to appropriate what we know.
- Find your battle rhythm: You know when something is up. Don’t wait until the “crap” hits the fan to start praying and preparing. Start now, prepare now, build those positive and healthy daily habits of communication now.
- Communication is both horizontal and vertical, meaning, we cannot expect to be good communicators in marriage if we are not first communicating with God. No, this does not mean some weird babbling, rather, a time spent daily in prayer, studying the Bible, and implementing the truths of God’s Word in our lives.
The definition of the word resiliency, according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, is “an ability to recover from or adjust to misfortune or change.” Don’t be so rigid in your expectations of each other you have no room to adjust in the moment of adversity—offer grace to your spouse and work together to establish a resilient marriage! Build your marriage on the foundation that permits you both to rebound from adversity and remember why you started your journey together. The driving motive behind any two-people willing to work through adversity in a relationship is love. How tough is your love? Today, consider ways you can strengthen the pillars of your marriage: love, trust, communication, forgiveness, and intimacy.
Note: An excerpt of this entry is from Bulletproof Marriage: a 90-Day Devotional written by Adam Davis and Lt. Col. Dave Grossman, and published by BroadStreet Publishing.
